Building a Bethards

Y'all, we've been parents for 6 weeks now. We've been parents of two for 3 weeks. Life has changed drastically in the last 6 weeks, and we love it. We just experienced our first Christmas with babies who were having their first Christmases. So much fun. We got to go see Santa at the Bass Pro Shops with our older baby and she did great; we got an incredible picture with Santa that I'm sad we can't share. She was so happy in his lap, she had a huge smile on her face!! We now have a plethora of items that say "Baby's First Christmas" and I love it. Seven weeks ago I couldn't tell you what day of the week it was without first thinking about what day of the cycle I was in, today I can't tell you what day of the week it is at all without remembering what day it was yesterday or looking at the calendar on my phone; I have no idea what cycle day it is without looking at an app on my phone, and that feels amazing. The last 6 weeks have been crazy,...

We are now one week into being a family of 5 (4 humans and a dog). What a crazy weeks it's been. Thankful for my mom who has been able to stay with the newest itty bitty so I can work part time. We are so in love with these girls and thankful that God has called us to parent them, no matter how temporary it may be. Since accepting our second placement we have had several of you ask how you can help us, so here are some ideas! The number one thing we covet is your prayers. Prayers for functioning on little sleep; prayers that we parent these little well; prayers for biological families and their ability to do the court required things to get their babies back if that is God's plan. Just pray for us. A week into being parents of two we are beginning to see more tangible things that we could always use more of, the biggest of those being diapers. Boy to babies go through a lot of diapers each day!! While the girls are at home we are using hybrid cloth/flushable diapers ...

This still counts as later this week, right? Finally getting a chance to sit down and get out my thoughts about the last few weeks. We've had our precious little for 3 weeks now and we are all adjusting fairly well. We got our newest itty bitty just last night, straight from the hospital! Wow. Almost 2 years of infertility and now within 3 weeks we have two babies!! And I didn't have to go through the discomfort of pregnancy or pain of labor! Yes, it also means that there is a good possibility that I'll have to give both of them back to their biological families and once again be left with an empty crib, but for now I will enjoy these babies. Our little is still struggling to get in a rhythm with her naps, but is doing so much better eating than when we first got her. She takes food from the spoon like a champ and is now working on straw drinking! This girl requires a dark room with music or silence to sleep, so we are starting to understand why she won't sleep a...

I wrote the post below after our first few days with our little one and forgot to post! Mommy brain is a real thing, y'all. And just over 2 weeks in now its even worse! I'll post more about how things are going sometime this week :) 11/25/2015 Well, we've got our first weekend and our first two week days in the books. And I'm happy to report that we're all still alive! Our sweet girl had a pretty good first night with us, only waking once for a bottle then going right back to sleep. The first full day we had her, Friday, I was off so I spent the day with her so we could start working on getting her on some sort of a nap schedule and so that we could get to know each other and start the bonding process. I also got her enrolled at a new daycare. She pretty easily went down for a morning nap the first day, the afternoon nap was rougher, but it eventually happened. That second night she slept through the night and woke up in a good mood just babbling away in ...

We got the call today. The crib is no longer empty. There is a sweet baby sleeping in the next room. A precious baby who has been entrusted to our care. We don't know how long we will have her, but we will love her while we do! Jack was incredibly excited when she arrived. Wonder when he'll realize that she's staying for a while. Thankfully, she didn't mind all his licking, in fact after just over an hour she started reaching for him! So adorable. As you may know I will not be able to post any pictures or details of her or her case here, so please don't ask. I will be posting our adventures in parenting this sweet baby, though! And of course I'll continue to post about our fertility journey. Pray for us as we love this little one. Pray for this little one as she learns who we are. Pray for her family and the issues that removed her from their care. Pray for all the foster families who are loving all these children. Continue to pray for our fertil...

We are once again an open foster home! We were officially approved last Friday and opened for kids a couple of days ago. We are incredibly excited and so ready for that call that there is a baby who needs us. As excited and ready to help as we are we also know that for us to get a baby like this it means that a family is being taken apart, and that is heart wrenching. The jobs that I have had over the years have placed struggling families in my life in a variety of ways. Through working at daycares I was able to see so many working moms and dads striving to make the lives of their children good and fun. At Early Head Start I worked with some incredibly vulnerable families and children; the struggle these parents went through to make a good life for their children was evident. Some did a better job than others, some struggled constantly. These children lacked rules and boundaries and didn't know how to get love and attention without behaving badly. My work at the variou...

Calm is not a word I would say has been in my vocabulary lately. Calm is also not something that has been in my life lately. However, this past cycle I have been given an overwhelming sense of calm. Now, that's not to say life has slowed down at all or we've had changes in what is happening to give me this calm. This feeling is definitely a blessing from God. Last cycle ended up being one without medication to assist ovulation. This happened for several reasons, the main one being that I was unable to get into my doctors office for an ultrasound at the beginning of the cycle to get a new prescription; another reason we went med-free this cycle was to see if I would ovulate on my own. Well, I can say I ovulated, but it ended up being a painfully long 40 day cycle because I didn't ovulate until sometime between CD 25-28. So when most girls finish their cycle on day 28 I was just ovulating. Fantastic. Not. Late ovulation can be an indicator of poor egg quality, but my RE ...

As my body continues to defy what it is supposed to do we are soldiering on in the process to open our home to foster children once again. For any of you who have gone through this process or have close friends who have done so, you know that the state is very slow with these things. You'd think with all the kids who need placements they would step it up and go faster, but that is not the case. So, we are still in the process of waiting. Seems like most of adult life is about waiting. Which makes it hard not to get lost in the future and the what-ifs. As for now we are waiting on our resource worker to come visit our home to give the final stamp of approval before we are officially open again. All the paperwork has been turned in. All the continuing education hours have been finished. The room is ready for babies. The dog is ready for babies, too, for that matter! Not much needed to be done to the room, as I mentioned before, we were keeping the empty crib as a faithful sign ...

This post is definitely going to be picture heavy, so be prepared for all the cuteness!! For those of you who know me well or have known me for a long time you would probably agree with the statement that I am not a dog person. I grew up with a mom who is allergic to dogs, so it was not really an option to want/get a dog. We were always told the negatives about dogs, so I never wanted one. Then I married a boy who grew up with dogs. Lots of dogs. I married a dog lover. When we were dating we discussed dogs and he knew how I felt. He once told me that he would teach himself to be ok without a dog. That didn't last long. About a year into our marriage my sweet hubby started researching dogs that were low allergen, so it wouldn't prevent my mom from coming to visit. After another year of trying to sneak the topic of dogs into conversation he decided he wanted to go to the dog show in LR that summer, you know, just to see the dogs. Yeah, right. He of course met a bunch of sweet...

So often recently I find myself trying to occupy my time; to fill the waiting with things that are not related to infertility or trying to make a baby. It's exhausting. Infertility is exhausting. Trying not to think about infertility is exhausting. Dictionary.com defines exhaust as: to   drain   of   strength   or   energy,   wear   out,   or   fatigue   greatly,   as   a  person That is where I'm at. I am drained. Most days I really fight to make myself get out of bed. I don't have the strength to get through the day, especially when that day involves pretending that I'm ok when I'm not, which is most days. At this moment in time, as I sit here on day one of a new cycle, the only strength I have is to cry out to God. To pray to him to give me strength to make it through another day, another week, another cycle. I came across a note in my phone this morning that I had typed out last July. Exactly 14 months a...

I've always been one to try to prepare for things. I try to make plans. I love writing out lists and making a calendar. Infertility is hard because it takes all of that away from me. I can plan as many pregnancy announcements as I want; they're different every month based on when the baby would be due. So far they've all gone unused. But, hey, now I'm prepared with 18 months of them, right? When our first foster child was placed with us we were not ready. Yes, we had gone through all the classes, read all the material, and completed all the necessary home visits & requirements from the state. Our home had a space for a child. We had a closet full of clothes and the crib set up, ready to go. But we were not prepared. Our hearts were not ready. Looking back on that experience now I think it was just too close to the heartache of our failed attempt at the fostering and adoption of the baby in the hospital whom we both loved. We were also not prepared ...

Something else many of you may not know is that we are foster parents. Through the struggle of infertility and problems with my previous job, though, we chose to close our home while we sought direction on where to go and how to proceed. In December of 2013, after being devastated by the news that we would not be getting the sweet baby whom we both loved so much only a couple of months before, we decided that we wanted to continue the foster process so we opened our home to a sweet 4 year old girl who needed us for about a month before being reunited with her siblings under the care of family members. This little one was sweet, feisty, and more than we were ready to handle when we got her. She spent that Christmas with us, which was fun, and then in January was taken back to her grandparents. After that month we decided that with the continued stress of Drew's job at ACH and my changing jobs that we were not able to fully provide the love and stability that children in foster ca...

How do I even begin this post? One year ago today my sweet grandmother was finally healed. One year ago today my sweet grandmother gained her wings. One year ago today my sweet grandmother met Jesus. About this time last year I got the first call of the day from my mom. She doesn't normally call me when I'm seeing clients for work, so I knew something was wrong. I answered the phone and in a shaky voice she told me that she and dad were leaving for San Angelo to see my grandmother. The hospice nurse who had been caring for my Mamaw had informed my Papaw and aunt that Mamaw only had a few days left and mom needed to be there for the end. Mamaw was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2013 and throughout the year her condition deteriorated. Though we all knew she wasn't feeling well she remained her sassy self up to the end. For as long as I can remember, my grandmother was a little spitfire who spoke her mind and talked your ear off with stories about people and pl...

As long as I can remember I've wanted to be a mother. I've always loved babies, just ask my mom. She will tell you how at age 12 I told her I wanted to be a mom. How I loved playing with baby dolls when I was young and as I got older I gravitated towards babies and kids. She will tell you how I always asked to hold babies at church. I've loved babies as long as I can remember. My love of babies and children eventually led me to get my bachelors degree from Baylor in Child and Family studies. Which led to a career in Child Life. Then eventually to my current position as a developmental therapist. This love is what has made the last almost 18 months so incredibly painful. As I sit here on cycle day 5 after our second failed IUI attempt--one that carried a 25% chance at success, one with medications both pills and injectables, one that I was able to feel so hopeful about--I wanted to share with you all the pieces of my heart that have been breaking all these months. ...

Cycle day: not entirely sure Days past ovulation: 12 Medicated cycle: 5 or 6? First IUI This cycle is our first, and hopefully only, IUI and as such I am trying my hardest not to symptom spot. But as anyone who has been TTC that is super impossible. So, as I sit here 12 days past ovulation with 4 days left before I'm *supposed* to take a pregnancy test, I can't help but wonder if the things I've been feeling are PMS or pregnancy. It sucks that so many PMS symptoms are the same as the reported early pregnancy symptoms. I would dare to say its mean, even. With every cramp or twinge of my uterus my brain immediately thinks "Wait, what was that? Could it be my uterus expanding with the tiny baby starting to grow?" then just as quickly changes to "No, it's probably just PMS cramps. Stop being crazy, you're most likely not pregnant." I mean, why should this cycle be any different, after all? It's not like I've wanted it less i...

This cycle breakdown: Days 3-7: 7.5mg of Letrozole each night Days 11&13: ultrasounds to check follicle development Day 14: Ovidrel trigger shot Day 15: Beautiful positive ovulation test Day 16: today. Today is the day. Today is our first (and praying our only) intrauterine insemination, or IUI. I am starting this post around 8am Thursday July 2nd. One hour before my scheduled IUI. I am so nervous. I really want this to work. I mean, clearly I've been praying for pregnancy for 16 months now, and I've wanted it to work every time, but now that we are at this next big step I'm really praying this is it. I so long to hold my little one in my arms. I'm not 100% sure what to expect today, so we will see how this goes! 11:00 Update: Well, the IUI is finished. It was way more uncomfortable than I was expecting, but hey, if it gets me pregnant I'll take it for sure. I'll walk you through how the morning went. 9:00--took the semen to the dr to "wash...

We've reached the point of taking yet another "next step" in our infertility journey. Today is day 3 of cycle 14 in month 16. Sixteen. Sixteen months. We have been trying, clearly unsuccessfully, for almost a year and a half. It has been an incredibly emotional 16 months. So many things have happened in the time that this one thing is not. My grandmother died almost 10 months ago. My mother shattered her shoulder and had surgery for replacement. My husband had an emergency appendectomy. Work reduced my hours and pushed me to part time. We got the most adorable puppy in November. We celebrated our 2nd and 3rd wedding anniversaries. We've celebrated with many friends as they got engaged and married. We have countless friends who have gotten pregnant and had their babies. Most importantly we've grown closer to each other as husband and wife & have learned better ways to communicate. We've also learned many things that are not effective when it comes t...

Cycle 13 Month 15 Cycle day who cares Still waiting to ovulate 1st cycle on new medication For my birthday this year I got to go to the REs office and have yet another ultrasound of my uterus and ovaries. Yep, once again I had an ultrasound and didn't leave with pictures of a tiny growing baby. And it was on my 28th birthday. Happy Birthday to me! We came up with a new plan at the office this time. Clomid was making me feel like a crazy person--like emotional, off my rocker, wanting to strangle people crazy--so he started me on a new medication. This time we are going with a fairly new drug. Well, it's not a new drug per-se, but its off-label usage for fertility is fairly new. This medication is made to help treat breast cancer in patients with tumors that respond to estrogen therapy, and oddly enough they found that it causes a strong ovulatory response, so they started using it in women like me with ovulation issues. This drug is called Femara/Letrozole. I took 5mg for ...

Cycle 12 Month 15 Cycle Day I don't care anymore Days Past Ovulation 14 Clomid cycle 4 The test was once again negative. Now to stop the Progesterone supplement and wait for cycle 13 to start. Today is the start of a new month of trying. Month 15. Fifteen. Have mercy. Sometimes this is just too hard. I knew this would be the outcome this cycle, though. The Clomid-fueled PMS emotional rage that occurred about a week ago signaled that this, once again, would not be our conception cycle. Happy Birthday to me, right? After this 4th month on Clomid we have decided to talk to the RE about new medications. We finally decided to do our own research on Clomid and we are not at all impressed with its success rate for my specific issues. It also makes me feel and act like a crazy person. A totally crazy person. I get angry for no reason. I want to cry pretty much all the time. The emotional swings are worse than anything I've ever felt before. I'm done with it. Now to go ...

Cycle 12 Month 14 Cycle day 26 Days Past Ovulation 6 Clomid cycle 4 I've begun the second phase of waiting this cycle. I've heard that this week is National Infertility Awareness Week. There have been news stories as well as a few friends posting things about it on Facebook. All of the people I've heard talking about this are ones who are on the other side of infertility. The have babies and are no longer in the infertile category. I am so thrilled for them. Their babies are incredible blessings & big miracles from God. Though it fills me with hope that I will someday be in the no-longer-infertile crowd it is still difficult as I am still not there. And though I am typing this now, during National Infertility Awareness week, I will probably not be brave enough to make this blog public until I'm on the other side of infertility. It's just too hard. There are many reasons that this is something that is too hard to share. First is the unwanted an...

Cycle 12 Month 14 Cycle Day 9 Clomid cycle 4 Yep, that's right. Another cycle has begun. It didn't work last cycle. The hCG shot, though able to help me ovulate sooner didn't help us achieve a pregnancy. I knew it was all over when I got 2 negative pregnancy tests 13 and 15 days after ovulation. So, I stopped the progesterone pills and my period came a few days later. The end of last cycle was especially hard because I had allowed myself to become more hopeful that we would get it this time, that the hCG shot was somehow the magic weapon I needed to achieve pregnancy. It wasn't. It never will be. Pregnancy is truly a miracle, and the only one I know still performing miracles is the one and only Jesus Christ. As Easter came and went so did hundreds of pictures on social media of my friends/acquaintances with their sweet babies and toddlers. They were all absolutely adorable, but they did nothing to ease the pain of another holiday without a pregnancy. Thankfu...

Today is nine days post ovulation. Cycle eleven. Month thirteen. Third Clomid cycle. First cycle with hCG trigger shot. So many emotions all rolled up into a bunch of little numbers. There are constantly numbers going through my head. At any given moment I could probably give you a number in my head that would mean nothing to you, but would in some way be significant to me. Whether it is the cycle I'm on, the day in the cycle it is, how many days till or post ovulation I am, or how many days I have left to wait to find out if it worked this cycle. Today, one of those numbers is nine: days post ovulation. The other number is seven: days until I can take a pregnancy test. And since the hCG trigger shot could cause a false positive if I test too early, I must resist the urge to test early and wait all seven days. Killer. As we continue the waiting phase of this cycle I try to divert my mind to anything not baby related. It's an hourly struggle. Sometimes it's a mi...