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Calm

Calm is not a word I would say has been in my vocabulary lately.
Calm is also not something that has been in my life lately.

However, this past cycle I have been given an overwhelming sense of calm. Now, that's not to say life has slowed down at all or we've had changes in what is happening to give me this calm. This feeling is definitely a blessing from God.

Last cycle ended up being one without medication to assist ovulation. This happened for several reasons, the main one being that I was unable to get into my doctors office for an ultrasound at the beginning of the cycle to get a new prescription; another reason we went med-free this cycle was to see if I would ovulate on my own. Well, I can say I ovulated, but it ended up being a painfully long 40 day cycle because I didn't ovulate until sometime between CD 25-28. So when most girls finish their cycle on day 28 I was just ovulating. Fantastic. Not. Late ovulation can be an indicator of poor egg quality, but my RE isn't concerned and all those blood tests have come back normal. Thankfully after I finally did ovulate my progesterone was also normal, so no supplements were necessary, yay!

Normally for me the two weeks following ovulation are the saddest/most emotional. During the first phase of the cycle I am happy, positive, and optimistic (thanks estrogens!); the second part of the cycle it is a conscious effort to remain happy and positive, and it is certainly not easy to be optimistic those two weeks (boo progesterone).

This time, though, the post-ovulatory phase came with more calm than all my previous cycles. It might be partially because my sweet hubby got sick with pneumonia and because it took so long for me to ovulate; whatever it was I feel like that because I didn't have that super-high positive feeling around ovulation I also didn't get that super low when another cycle day 1 came around a few days ago.

I also know that it is only the peace of Christ that is giving me this calm. Infertility sucks. The waiting is hard. It takes work to keep our marriage healthy through all of it. Next month will be our 21st month trying to conceive. For probably the first time in the last 20 months I'm ok with that. I know that I'm not in control of this and I am ok with that. Don't get me wrong, I am still fervently praying to get pregnant and carry a healthy baby to term (for myself and all my friends going through this as well); I just do not feel as anxious as I have the past 18+ months, and I thank God for that.

We are still waiting on the foster process to reopen our home, I'll post an update on that when I know more! In the mean time continue to pray for pregnancy, calm, peace, strength in our marriage, and that God continue to show us His path for our lives.






Sarah

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