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In Faith: Keeping the Empty Crib

Cycle 13
Month 15
Cycle day who cares
Still waiting to ovulate
1st cycle on new medication

For my birthday this year I got to go to the REs office and have yet another ultrasound of my uterus and ovaries. Yep, once again I had an ultrasound and didn't leave with pictures of a tiny growing baby. And it was on my 28th birthday. Happy Birthday to me! We came up with a new plan at the office this time. Clomid was making me feel like a crazy person--like emotional, off my rocker, wanting to strangle people crazy--so he started me on a new medication. This time we are going with a fairly new drug. Well, it's not a new drug per-se, but its off-label usage for fertility is fairly new. This medication is made to help treat breast cancer in patients with tumors that respond to estrogen therapy, and oddly enough they found that it causes a strong ovulatory response, so they started using it in women like me with ovulation issues. This drug is called Femara/Letrozole. I took 5mg for 5 days at the beginning of the cycle. So far I'm happy to report I feel much less crazy this cycle. There was one breakdown, but I allow that one because it was on Mother's Day; it was an understandable breakdown. About a week has passed since then and the only crying happened this morning as I stood in what is supposed to be the baby room with the empty crib.

The empty crib that has been there since October of 2013. Since that time we tried to foster/adopt the sweetest baby in the hospital. The baby with incredible medical needs and the best personality. The baby who's biological family had all but abandoned her there and who's 1st identified foster family had abandoned her. You can read more about her story and our heartbreak here.

As I stood there looking at the empty crib with tears rolling down my face I began praying. Praying about what to do. Praying for direction. Praying for that crib to no longer be empty. Praying for the aching desire in my heart to be a mother to just go away. But as I prayed all I could think was that in faith the crib needed to stay. As much as it hurts to have an empty crib in an empty room with a closet full of baby clothes I feel like this is what God is calling me to do. He is a good and faithful God and one way or another that crib will be occupied soon and the breaking of my heart will cease. Until that day I will pray without ceasing. I will attempt to bury myself in the Word and promises of the almighty God I have been adopted by.


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