Coming Out of the Infertility Closet

As long as I can remember I've wanted to be a mother. I've always loved babies, just ask my mom. She will tell you how at age 12 I told her I wanted to be a mom. How I loved playing with baby dolls when I was young and as I got older I gravitated towards babies and kids. She will tell you how I always asked to hold babies at church. I've loved babies as long as I can remember.

My love of babies and children eventually led me to get my bachelors degree from Baylor in Child and Family studies. Which led to a career in Child Life. Then eventually to my current position as a developmental therapist.

This love is what has made the last almost 18 months so incredibly painful. As I sit here on cycle day 5 after our second failed IUI attempt--one that carried a 25% chance at success, one with medications both pills and injectables, one that I was able to feel so hopeful about--I wanted to share with you all the pieces of my heart that have been breaking all these months.

Infertility is defined as a disease or condition of the reproductive system often diagnosed after a couple has had one year of unprotected, well-timed, intercourse. Infertility is a medical problem.
A medical problem. Not a problem with stress or relaxation. Not something that will go away if we "just relax" or "stop thinking about it".

If you want to know more specifics about the path we have been traveling all you have to do is start from the beginning of this blog and read up until now. It has been a long journey and I am tired of not talking about it. I am also not ready for everyone to be asking all kinds of questions. And please, if you learn anything from reading this let it be DO NOT give me, or anyone you know really, advice on how to get pregnant. We have spent enough money on doctors that we do not need or want your advice.

What we do need is your love, prayers, and understanding. Understand that this is hard for us, so we may not participate in activities that we used to like. We may say no to parties, particularly baby showers, because they are painful reminders of what we have been unable to achieve thus far. But please know that just because I am not emotionally able to attend or participate in these things it does not mean that I am not happy for you, I am. I am so thankful that most of my friends have not had this struggle. I am also thankful for the friends that I have been able to walk through these pains with together, and I pray daily for these friends to get pregnant and end their own battle with infertility.

Infertility is so isolating. It carries such shame. Shame that is absolutely ridiculous and unnecessary. Yes, I have not been able to conceive a child even with the help of some medical intervention, but why should that cause me to be judged by others? Especially those easily fertile women and families. Just because my circumstances are different than yours doesn't make what we are doing wrong. If it takes us IVF to get pregnant then that is what we will do. If God blesses us with a baby before that then we will be so incredibly thankful. But if it takes IVF then that is what we will do, and we will be grateful to God for the medical advances that allow for that to be a possibility.

I've hesitated to post this or say anything for so long because I still don't want it to be true. It's as if talking about our struggle with infertility makes it real and insurmountable. It is real, but it is certainly not insurmountable. My God can and does move mountains and He can move us past this struggle. Sometimes my faith is strong and sometimes it waivers, but God has always been faithful even though I do not deserve it.

We ask that you pray for us and anyone you might know who is struggling to conceive and carry children. Pray that God shows us mercy and grace and blesses us with children. Pray that we are comforted when the negative pregnancy tests come and that we have the hope to continue not just in trying to have children, but also that we have hope to continue our daily lives and that we are able to praise God through this storm.