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Exhaustion

So often recently I find myself trying to occupy my time; to fill the waiting with things that are not related to infertility or trying to make a baby. It's exhausting. Infertility is exhausting. Trying not to think about infertility is exhausting.

Dictionary.com defines exhaust as:
to drain of strength or energy, wear out, or fatigue greatly, as a person

That is where I'm at. I am drained. Most days I really fight to make myself get out of bed. I don't have the strength to get through the day, especially when that day involves pretending that I'm ok when I'm not, which is most days.

At this moment in time, as I sit here on day one of a new cycle, the only strength I have is to cry out to God. To pray to him to give me strength to make it through another day, another week, another cycle. I came across a note in my phone this morning that I had typed out last July. Exactly 14 months ago I wrote this note; it was a prayer in agony to God. A prayer of desperation to fill my empty womb. Fourteen months ago I typed this note, thinking I had experienced devastation, agony, exhaustion. Oh how I'd like to go back in time and tell myself to get it together. That was a whopping 4 months into this journey. Now we are in month 19. Nineteen. It's so hard not to let the exhaustion get to me. To just throw in the towel and say no more. So I will rely on the Almighty to get me through. It's only because of Him that I am able to make it through the day.

That is how I feel today. Day one of a new cycle is typically the worst day of the month, so it only gets better from here, right?


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