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Nine Days In: Still Waiting

Today is nine days post ovulation.
Cycle eleven.
Month thirteen.
Third Clomid cycle.
First cycle with hCG trigger shot.

So many emotions all rolled up into a bunch of little numbers.
There are constantly numbers going through my head.
At any given moment I could probably give you a number in my head that would mean nothing to you, but would in some way be significant to me. Whether it is the cycle I'm on, the day in the cycle it is, how many days till or post ovulation I am, or how many days I have left to wait to find out if it worked this cycle.

Today, one of those numbers is nine: days post ovulation.
The other number is seven: days until I can take a pregnancy test. And since the hCG trigger shot could cause a false positive if I test too early, I must resist the urge to test early and wait all seven days. Killer.

As we continue the waiting phase of this cycle I try to divert my mind to anything not baby related. It's an hourly struggle. Sometimes it's a minute-to-minute struggle. Working with children all day every day doesn't help. Working with a bunch of women of childbearing age really doesn't help. There is always someone pregnant. Always. I'm super happy for them, it's just hard to be happy with them. Only a few of my coworkers know that we are struggling to conceive, and even they don't really know the extent of what we are going through.

This is probably one of the harder things about infertility or problems conceiving. It is a mostly silent struggle. Until I decide to publish this blog most people in my life will not know of the problems we've been having. Why is this? Why is infertility still so silent? Why do we, as a culture, not see this as a real issue? Most health insurance plans still do not cover fertility treatments, as if it is not a real disease or condition. We as infertiles are felt to believe that there is something shamefully wrong with us. As if we did this to ourselves. As if we chose this. NO ONE WOULD CHOOSE THIS. NO ONE. Just like no one chooses to get cancer.

Trying to daily teach myself and remind myself that my God is bigger than my problems.
That I have been forgiven of all my sins and Jesus' blood on the cross wiped my slate clean.
This is not happening to us because of things we have done, are doing, or will do wrong.


God is still good.
So we will wait.
7 days to go.

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