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My Hope is in Jesus, not a baby

Cycle 12
Month 14
Cycle Day 9
Clomid cycle 4

Yep, that's right. Another cycle has begun.
It didn't work last cycle. The hCG shot, though able to help me ovulate sooner didn't help us achieve a pregnancy. I knew it was all over when I got 2 negative pregnancy tests 13 and 15 days after ovulation. So, I stopped the progesterone pills and my period came a few days later.

The end of last cycle was especially hard because I had allowed myself to become more hopeful that we would get it this time, that the hCG shot was somehow the magic weapon I needed to achieve pregnancy. It wasn't. It never will be. Pregnancy is truly a miracle, and the only one I know still performing miracles is the one and only Jesus Christ.

As Easter came and went so did hundreds of pictures on social media of my friends/acquaintances with their sweet babies and toddlers. They were all absolutely adorable, but they did nothing to ease the pain of another holiday without a pregnancy.

Thankfully, though, I am able to attend a wonderful church that is careful to continually preach the Gospel over me. It was at our Good Friday service that I was reminded that my hope is not in having a baby. My hope is not in achieving the all-allusive positive pregnancy test. Though it may be easy for me to lose hope each cycle, to think that I'll never become a mother, I must remain steadfast in my hope in Jesus Christ. He is my hope. He is my rescue. He is my salvation. And He is still performing miracles each and every day. That is where I am focusing on putting my hope.

Will there be times I am depressed and feel hopeless? Absolutely. (Thank you Clomid for doing nothing to help brighten my moods) Will there be times when I forget to focus my hope in Christ? Most definitely. Will there be times when I have unbelief? There have already been many and I am certain there will be many more. Does that change God's faithfulness to me? It absolutely does not. God is faithful even in my hopelessness and unbelief. And I know that, even though I can't see it now, He has a plan and is leading me on His path.


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