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PMS or Pregnancy, That is Always the Question

Cycle day: not entirely sure
Days past ovulation: 12
Medicated cycle: 5 or 6?
First IUI

This cycle is our first, and hopefully only, IUI and as such I am trying my hardest not to symptom spot. But as anyone who has been TTC that is super impossible.

So, as I sit here 12 days past ovulation with 4 days left before I'm *supposed* to take a pregnancy test, I can't help but wonder if the things I've been feeling are PMS or pregnancy.

It sucks that so many PMS symptoms are the same as the reported early pregnancy symptoms. I would dare to say its mean, even. With every cramp or twinge of my uterus my brain immediately thinks "Wait, what was that? Could it be my uterus expanding with the tiny baby starting to grow?" then just as quickly changes to "No, it's probably just PMS cramps. Stop being crazy, you're most likely not pregnant." I mean, why should this cycle be any different, after all? It's not like I've wanted it less in previous months. It's not like getting pregnant hasn't been my constant prayer since March of 2014 or anything. Oh wait, yeah it has.

At church on Sunday we sang a song that made me start crying. Now, that it honestly something that is not hard for me to do these days. Most of the time I'll cry at the drop of a hat. Usually for reasons that wouldn't make me cry otherwise. I like to blame the crazy hormones. But of course sometimes it's not entirely the fault of the fertility treatments. Like Sunday. Sunday it was because I could feel the Holy Spirit moving. The phrase of the song went like this:

Lord I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the one that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Then, after verse 2, this whammy happened:

So teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay 
(Lord, I Need You--Chris Tomlin)

That is when the tears started rolling. It wasn't like a sobbing pity-party, more like a silent realization that even though I literally have fallen in despair several times throughout the last month Jesus has been there. All I need to do is fall on Him. He is always there to catch me. He never leaves. He has been here throughout the last 17 months even if I haven't felt or recognized it.

God is good.

Whether or not I'm pregnant right now He sits on His throne in Heaven above and all this is for His glory. None of this is happening as a surprise to Him. I am so thankful for that.




*Update: it was PMS, on to round two of IUI*

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