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Two Outcomes

Every cycle there are only two outcomes that are possible.
Either pregnancy is achieved and a baby will start growing or the egg dies and the lining of the uterus gets shed during menstruation.

As we anxiously await the time where we will find out the outcome of this cycle I am reminded of God's grace.

There are many people who will tell you that God will not give you more than you can handle. They are wrong. God will continually give you more than you can handle, at least when you are trying to handle it alone. God gives us more than we can humanly take as a way to turn our hearts and minds to Him. The past few months of this journey, though especially hard, have also been pointing me more towards Jesus. I cannot tell you how many times these past few months my husband and I have walked out of church or Bible study and looked at each other to remark "Wow. That was completely directed at us." That is how God works, through His people and His church. As a body we are in the middle of studying the Gospel of John and this past Sunday was all about God's love. One of the remarks made by the teaching pastor was that God's love doesn't always look like love to us. When Jesus' good friend Lazarus was near the point of death he and his disciples stayed two days longer in the town they were in when they received the news. Does that look like love? Lazarus, whom we know Jesus loved as it is remarked in the Bible, was on his death bed and Jesus, the ultimate healer, stayed where he was instead of leaving immediately to heal Lazarus.

By the time Jesus arrived in Bethany Lazarus had already died, in fact it is said that he had been in the tomb for 4 days. His sisters, Mary & Martha, both remarked to Jesus, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died". Jesus wept over the death of his friend. Then, being the resurrection and life, raised Lazarus from the dead. Now that is love. The love that allows a man to die is also the love that will bring him back to life.

I have allowed myself to feel pretty hopeless the past several months. All the doctors visits, ultrasounds, medications, surgery, and negative pregnancy tests have really taken their toll on me; emotionally and spiritually. The devil has worked his way into my heart and mind by telling me the lie that if God loved me I would have a baby by now. But love doesn't always look like love, and I'm learning that God does still love me even though it might not look like it right now. There is a point to all of this. To all the heartache and negative pregnancy tests. To all the medications and doctors visits. God is still on His throne, He is still in control. Though that is something my sinful nature will always wrestle with, I am learning to be more at peace with God's plan.

If we have to go on to another cycle, if we move past a year of trying without getting pregnant God does still love me. And He loves you, too. No matter your struggle, God loves you in ways you may not think look like love.

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