Building a Bethards

Today is nine days post ovulation. Cycle eleven. Month thirteen. Third Clomid cycle. First cycle with hCG trigger shot. So many emotions all rolled up into a bunch of little numbers. There are constantly numbers going through my head. At any given moment I could probably give you a number in my head that would mean nothing to you, but would in some way be significant to me. Whether it is the cycle I'm on, the day in the cycle it is, how many days till or post ovulation I am, or how many days I have left to wait to find out if it worked this cycle. Today, one of those numbers is nine: days post ovulation. The other number is seven: days until I can take a pregnancy test. And since the hCG trigger shot could cause a false positive if I test too early, I must resist the urge to test early and wait all seven days. Killer. As we continue the waiting phase of this cycle I try to divert my mind to anything not baby related. It's an hourly struggle. Sometimes it's a mi...

Thirteen months into this journey and waiting is still killer. Waiting is one of the hardest things to get through each month. The only thing harder than waiting is getting a negative pregnancy test & starting the subsequent period. The beginning of a cycle brings new hope, but also a new waiting period. After the menstrual cycle has ended it becomes a waiting game for ovulation. After ovulation it becomes a waiting game for either pregnancy or another cycle. As today marks ovulation day we will begin the next phase of waiting tomorrow. Waiting and praying. Lots of praying. Praying that the medication to mature eggs worked. (Clomid) Praying that the shot to release the mature eggs worked. (Ovidrel) Praying that the sperm meets and fertilizes the egg(s). Praying that the fertilized egg implants at the right time and grows. Praying that the pregnancy and baby are healthy. Or, if that doesn't happen, praying for our emotions & hearts; praying that we accept that...

Those of you who know me know that I love the TV show Friends. I not only own all 10 seasons on DVD and Blu-ray, I also own the Friends Trivia game and the Scene It Friends Edition game. I have watched every episode multiple times. I have watched the entire series from start to finish at least 3 times since I've had the DVDs. I can pretty much say every line of every episode before it's said in the episode. As I've gotten older it seems that every episode, no matter how many times I've watched it before, I see or hear new things that didn't register before. There are many things in that wonderful show that now, as a married woman, I see differently than I did in my late teens and early 20s. My husband knows that when I'm in a bad mood (thanks hormones & fertility meds!) popping a disc of Friends into the Blu-ray player will usually help get me in a better mood. Well, just yesterday I was in one of those moods so a Friends disc was put in. It ended up ...

Over the past year I have hear, and said, many phrases that I'd never thought about before. Infertility does that to you. It makes you research & google things you never imagined. It makes you follow blog post and pinterest pins you wouldn't have noticed before. It also opens up a new world of vocabulary. Of the many things I've heard, some of which I'm sure I'll share at some point, one of the weirdest things was heard at yesterday's mid-cycle ultrasound. During the ultrasound the doctor remarked "You've got at good looking uterus." Have mercy. Really? I've got a good looking uterus? It'd be better looking if you found a baby in there! Alas, he was simply commenting that the lining of my uterus was building nicely and should be thick enough to provide a good place for a fertilized egg to implant. But, hey, I guess it's good to know I've got a good looking uterus! The next thing the doctor started talking about ...

Yep, another cycle has begun. Month 13, cycle 11, Clomid round 3. The past few days have been full of tears, frustration, questions, and doubt. And prayer. Lots and lots of prayer. I have to remind myself every morning that God has a great big plan, and it's better than anything I could imagine. We are struggling with infertility for a reason. This phase of life has a specific purpose. I just need to follow Jesus, pray, and wait for His timing in this. As we start our 13th month of trying to conceive (TTC) my Facebook newsfeed continues to be flooded with pregnancy announcements & complaints over certain symptoms, baby pictures, and all around happiness. It's a struggle, and to be honest with you, I've unfollowed almost all of my pregnant and recently-given-birth friends. Don't get me wrong, I still love you and want to hear about your life and your precious babies. I just need to be able to do it in my time, not every time I open Facebook. I just got back fr...

Every cycle there are only two outcomes that are possible. Either pregnancy is achieved and a baby will start growing or the egg dies and the lining of the uterus gets shed during menstruation. As we anxiously await the time where we will find out the outcome of this cycle I am reminded of God's grace. There are many people who will tell you that God will not give you more than you can handle. They are wrong. God will continually give you more than you can handle, at least when you are trying to handle it alone. God gives us more than we can humanly take as a way to turn our hearts and minds to Him. The past few months of this journey, though especially hard, have also been pointing me more towards Jesus. I cannot tell you how many times these past few months my husband and I have walked out of church or Bible study and looked at each other to remark "Wow. That was completely directed at us." That is how God works, through His people and His church. As a body we are ...

Month 12. We are now solidly into our 12th month of trying to conceive a baby. This has been one of the hardest years of my life. Of all the things that have been difficult one of the most difficult is remembering God is bigger and that He still loves me. Difficulty trying to conceive is not about God not loving me. It's not about my sin. God has a plan. I just don't know what that plan is and I'm learning to be content with that. I'm also learning to find things to be thankful for. Thankfulness does not come naturally to me and my sinful heart. Jealousy is much easier. Much, much easier. Over the past few days I have been purposefully thinking of all the things I have to be thankful for. I've been trying to praise God throughout the roughness of this past week, especially. The thing I am most thankful for is God's grace. I am a sinner and I do not deserve anything I've been given. It's only by the grace of God that I am where I am today. God has ...